I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
