please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
