So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
