fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
