quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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