He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
