Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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