i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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