First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
