You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
