The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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