He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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