If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't turn off my feet"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
