i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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