He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
