the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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