I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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