Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
