remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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