He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
