my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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