My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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