You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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