didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
