wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize