I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
