peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
