I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
