the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
