Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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