literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
