my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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