I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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