you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
