just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
