Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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