I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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