I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
