3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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