Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
