New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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