I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
