when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
