the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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