Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
