The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
