The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
