I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
