I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
