nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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