How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
