Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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