BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i think i just lost a toe
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
