She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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