I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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