our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
