I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
