Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
