I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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