Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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