Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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