i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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