we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
