he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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