HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
