Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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